An Open Letter to People Who Can't Shut Up During a Movie

Hello.

I hope you know that that greeting is as far as my politeness will go in writing this letter. From here on, I won't bother censoring myself with regards to your cinema etiquette - or lack thereof. If you take offense at people saying what's effing wrong with you, then I suggest that you exit this page right now.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Okay. First question: WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO NOISY IN A MOVIE THEATER?

Second question: WHY THE HELL DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?

Third question: WHY THE HELL DO YOU KEEP DOING IT?

Since you'll probably be reading this from your computer screen and therefore unable to personally wring my neck like a bobblehead, let me try answering those things for you instead. 

So, why are you so noisy? Honestly, there could be a plethora of reasons. You just can't keep your side-comments to yourself until after the movie ends. You need to ask for the name of the lead character every five minutes. Your house is burning, and your mother's there to report that your favorite stuffed animal wasn't able to make it. 

R.I.P. Tiggy IX. Though I'm truly saddened by your loss, please refrain from using your phone when the hot guy's about to take his shirt off. 

So I hope you realize that unless it's a real emergency with significantly raised stakes involved, then you are not allowed to distract the rest of us from gazing into Leo's heartbreaking robin egg-blue eyes. (Go watch The Great Gatsby!) 

Why don't you do something about it? By the way, you can't use "not knowing how loud you were" as an excuse. It's your own voice echoing from your mouth! How can you not be aware of your vocal chords vibrating like a 7.5 magnitude earthquake? Either you hold no regard for the people watching the movie with you, or you just don't care that they probably want to gag you already and shut you up permanently. 

Lastly, why are so hell-bent on continuing this annoying streak of inconsideration? I know you think people don't really mind you treating the cinema like your own bedroom, but they do. They're just probably just too embarrassed to call you out on it. Mark my words though. Someday, you'll drive a moviegoer so pissed that not only will he/she tell you to keep quiet, but the whole theater will hear him/her telling you to keep quiet. 

The manager will then probably arrive and tell you to do the same.

In conclusion, you-who-needs-to-shut-up-when-watching-movies, please heed this bit of advice and do us  all nameless, Leonardo-deprived strangers a huge favor.